still workin at it..

in my ics session today, i told the ics worker that i wanted to make a notebook to keep track of my job interviews, so i'm more consistent in actually getting back to the employer. she helped me to write out all the information in a spare notebook i found by my desk. i said to her, "i hope this ACTUALLY helps me get a job sooner!" then she reassured me that it would because i schedule the interviews and go to them and it'll help me stay more organized. i feel like i've already interviewed at this next interview but i ALWAYS get that feeling and i thought that showing up at the hotel would help me recognize if the place was familiar until the realization that almost ALL the hotels look SIMILAR.. so needless to say- looking at the hotel itself didn't help. i suppose i could look back at my previous months on my calendar to see if i wrote the place on there before. i don't believe i'm going crazy for thinking i've already interviewed at the place because i HAVE ran into people who interviewed me saying to me, "have we interviewed before? you look familiar.." i hope it was a good memory.. heh. obviously not good enough to hire me/make me an employee though. i suppose it's a good thing i have a bad memory sometimes from my TBI because i might feel a little more frustrated and discouraged if i actually remembered how many times i've interviewed without getting hired yet. i just don't think about it, so i don't get frustrated, so it doesn't affect me during the interview itself. i'm convinced that my brain injury doesn't make me look more qualified- if anything (even if it IS ILLEGAL) it makes employers discriminate against me. if i talk to someone from the state and i get solid proof there's discrimination- you better believe i'm gonna tell them EVERYTHING. i've been working for years to get hired for a job- i even have a job coach which i've had for at least 20 years i think. i've attended colleges and had previous jobs.. so there really isn't any reason why they shouldn't hire me, other than finding someone more qualified.. which can't always be the case. i'm pretty sure that even felons have an easier time at finding a job than i do. the driver of my accident doesn't seem to be lacking work experience. just proof that i don't just sit around, doing nothing while having the easy life- like his mom and sister assume. MAYBE IF I WASN'T FUCKIN WALKING AROUND WITH A DAMN CANE I'D BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY FIND A JOB?! them assholes can't say that i'm not trying to be a valuable working part of society. i'm sorry that my daddy isn't rich and i wasn't spoon-fed with a fucking silver spoon. no.. instead, my daddy is dead from a drug trading incident on the border with the cartels! he didn't leave me ANYTHING but was partly responsible for the two surgery scars i have on my abdomen (can't forget about the narcissistic bum of a mom who shouldn't have even brought me into the quarrel between her and my dad- she should've been doing EVERYTHING she could to REMOVE me from the situation, not hold me up as a damn shield when being kicked). but no.. like cathy says- I'M UNGRATEFUL. i should be grateful for having parents who clearly didn't give a FUCK about me and my mom STILL doesn't (except for when it's beneficial and convenient for her!). DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER. you act like you're so damn smart to say SHIT like that when your son almost killed me. GO BACK TO CHURCH. you and your smart ass daughter might learn something. "you shouldn't have got into the car with him." SINCE WHEN AM I A PSYCHIC?! i didn't have any other ride and i KNOW my grandpa would've been pissed if i called him from new york, asking for a RIDE HOME. i admit- i was a dumb punk kid but IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. if your damn son wouldn't have been drinking that night- I WOULDN'T HAVE A TBI. it's ridiculous that I get shit on for NOT DRINKING or DRIVING in the accident and simply surviving from the family of a man who nearly killed me.. SIX MONTHS IN A COMA, AT LEAST 15 YEARS WHEELCHAIR DEPENDANT (FOR MY FAMILY'S CONVENIENCE SO THEY COULD GET SYMPATHY), probably hundreds of shots of botox and a bunch of surgeries just so i could WALK and TALK. BUT YEAH! LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW I'M "UNGRATEFUL"! more like your parenting skills and how your son was raised to think it was appropriate to drink and drive are FUCKED UP. i realize that we were both young punks and shit happens- I DON'T NEED TO BE SENT SCRIPTURES ON FORGIVENESS. "YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE AND WORK! OR YOU SHOULD BE DEPORTED." i'm sure that's what tim's smart ass sister is talking about with her kewliez sister-in-law. my grandpa SERVED in the navy for a long time, that's more than you probably can admit to. i know you like to think your shit don't stank but lean a little bit closer- roses really smell like poo.